Thursday, May 8, 2008

Underware dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such acomment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloudappeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powderin my underwear?'

She replied .'It's not talcum powder......It's "Miracle Grow".

The things my friends send me. This one seriously made me laugh out loud in my cubicle. Seriously, I think I would've done a little more than just put Miracle Grow in his man panties...or is that manties? That looks too much like manatee, which what I'm feeling like right now after downing a bag of cheetos...ugh, I feel nasty. I think you should be able to ban certain foods from being made, such as anything that causes anal leakage!!! What is up with that?!?!?

Okay, off topic, I'm feeling a little ADD right now. I just tried one of those "5-hour energy" drinks, the ones that come in the 2oz little bottle that they have at Walgreens. After I first drank it, I felt good! I had a little flushing (warmth in the cheeks and some redness), but that's just from the Niacin in the drink. I did get a little wired then and actually started to work! Now it's 2 hours later, I can't concentrate, I'm writing down something mental which I will totally forget about as soon as I close this webpage, and trying to imagine what it would feel like to crawl down a wall like those wacky wall crawlers that you used to be able to get from a box of Rice Krispies when we were kids, or from the quarter machines that you would bug your Mom until you got that quarter for the most worthless crap (though I do remember getting that red "fortune teller" fish that would curl in your hand depending on your mood, those rocked!). I can no longer focus on what I need to do which is horrible because I have about 20 phone calls I have to make, and I don't want to sound like I'm dyslexic (or dicks-lek-sic as I used to say...after all, I speak Dawnish).

Ah Dawnish, another change in topic. Linds came up with that fabulous description of my constant battle to speak the english language. From "You can smark in my car", to "Did you see Rose's flick sty?", to whatever was going to come out of my mouth next, there were just too many to count. The unknown language that has come to be known from my mouth moving faster than my brain, which mind you happens quite often. You can tell I'm edjumukated by my eloquential verbalizations...I never cease to amaze even myself.

So I'm feeling a little shaky, my heartrate is beating quite a bit right now, if I didn't know I was having a weirdo effect from the 5 hour satan's drink, I'd think I was having a heart attack. Is speed listed on the bottles label? No, but it has phenylalanine:

A non food source of phenylalanine is the artificial sweetener aspartame. (from wikipedia...love that website, they know everything). Supposedly the "safer" sugar, this compound, sold under the trade names "Equal" and "NutraSweet", is metabolized by the body into several chemical byproducts including phenylalanine.

D'oh!!! Should've done my homework. I'm aspartame sensitive, it gives me stomach aches, rapid heart rate, and yes, brain splitting headaches. I do not buy diet foods with any type of immitation sweetners in it for that reason, give the good stuff!!! Though I have been more into different forms of sugar, such as brown sugar or crystal sugar, or other flavorings not including so much sugar as required for recipes unless I'm baking something where I have to follow the recipe to a T. Aspartame is not made from sugar but from two amino acids that are isolated from bacteria. Saccharin is produced from a combination of the flavor chemical methyl anthranilate and ammonia. (http://www.splendaexposed.com/articles/2005/02/ny_times_today.html) Not sure if that's true, but I'll do more research. All I know is that I react with Splenda, Aspartame, and anything with Nutrisweet. Down with the sugar wanna-be products!!! Yeah, no diet foods for me, but then is something that's supposedly sugar free really good for you anyways? What are they putting in the products, something that has a sweetness, but is made of chemically altered substances that I could'nt pronounce if I tried to? Forget about it!!!

ARG, this is not fun. Plus it's only been about an hour that these feelings have been going on! It's just after 1pm, and I don't get to leave until 3pm...so just about 2 hours to see how nuts I can get and see if this stuff wears off before I leave. Maybe I'll be able to focus if I can chug a gallon of water and flush my system...otherwise maybe I'll have enough energy to run to the trainstation and try to detox before I get home.

But off to work and whatever I can accomplish for the next 2 hours...

3 comments:

Daisy said...

HA! This post made me laugh! The Miracle Grow in the underwear was great! Sweet revenge. :)

Hope the energy drink has worn off by now and you're feeling a little better.

Lindsey said...

Oh, Dawnish, how I miss hearing you.

By the way, Cheetos cause anal leakage? Really?

Sarah McBride said...

so THATS why I cant eat cheetos!

I stay away from those little drinks. They pack a punch.